The Heart of Life

Junior Year

2011-09-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

It is getting to be time for the year to start again. I have had a total of two classes and am already having issues with my blackboard, this is problematic.

Lately

2011-04-16T00:06:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a while but honestly my mind has been elsewhere. In the past few months I have fallen in love with the idea of love, and a person who represented it. I have let them go, my creativity that had been locked under a premise of security unleashed and I have been happy. I have realized that I am in no hurry to study abroad and feel like completing some Gen-Eds first. one term will be enough.

I have realized how thankful I am to have great friends who I can count on and who will go on spontaneous trips to Portland with me. In the past months I have changed, in all honesty I really like myself a lot more. I had been so obsessed with helping other people, that I finally imploded. I am enjoying finally getting to know myself and with that journeying outside my comfort zone as well as excelling in the things that I love.

I have been playing tennis as much as I can, I have been walking tons and I have been biking daily. The truth of the matter is, that I am happy. I am single and happy. Something that used to not be synonymous has fallen apart. I am finally living in the moment, taking care of myself and working on what it is I need and I want.

My name is Molly Gruber, I am 20 years old. I am a student, a singer, a writer, a foreign language speaker, a friend and I am finally being happy to be myself.

Going back to my friends. Honestly I could not survive without your support and help. You know who you are and know that I love you all deeply and am SO thankful for what you have given me.

I am finally getting comfortable in my skin and my friends have been their to help me keep walking on my path and not letting me get distracted.... too much.

This is a late night blog post, but really it has been floating in my mind for a while.

My new tattoo says, "Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar"
That is my greatest hope for the future, let your spirit guide you and believe in your dreams and your future.

Much Love and thanks for listening to me wax philosophical.

MG

Poetry Class has brought inspiration!

2011-01-09T15:39:00.000-08:00

I have reached the 115 lbs lost mark and I couldn't be happier. I have had a few bad days, made a few mistakes but through them I learn.

Here is a poem I recently wrote. Enjoy.

ANXIETY:
Anvils dropping on your chest. Weight building.
Breathing gets difficult.
Wading through a bog, pea soup with no visibility
something lurking
ten paces behind.
Frozen,
Inside your mind. Incapable
of further response. Stuck.
Eyes twitch. Back, Forth, Back; no end in sight.
Internal Pong game continues in the darkness of my mind.

Alone in an enclosed space, closing in, waiting...
No resolution in sight. Alone.
Eyes flicker. Left, Right, Left. Sinking
Deeper. Abyss.
Cannot move arms, submerged in visceral doubt amongst fears clawing at you,
trying to escape.
Bottom of a well. alone.
Weighed down,

No resolution, closed eyes darkness, open eyes to reality.

In the well, doubts trickling down threatening to drown you.
Someone lets down a ladder and at the top...
Mr. Resolution holds out a hand.
Ignore it. Brush yourself off, you know you can't hide from it forever, it lurks,
hand in hand
with its co-conspirator - fear.

MILESTONE!

2010-09-29T08:10:00.001-07:00

Yesterday marked the day that I finally reached my first big milestone. I reached my first major goal and am firmly under 300 lbs. I feel great and am on the way to go play some tennis... yeah, school!

Sentimental Poetry from Highschool (DEAL WITH IT)

2010-08-23T13:50:00.001-07:00

I sit here thinking of all my shortcomings
And I find the list is too long to write.

I sit here trying to figure what I did wrong.
I find that I have never been able to figure out what was wrong.

I’m sitting here and I realize, the thing I did wrong.
It’s me. I didn’t come out right.

I’ve always been blind.
I could never see past my own needs and desires.

I look out now, when a veil is lifted and find no one is there.
You may think, oh that’s so sad. You may pity me.
I don’t want pity.
I want acceptance.

We all walk in this world as people.
Everyone wears a veil, and this no wedding.
Everyone chooses not to see.
They choose to be blind as they set out in the world.
Unfortunately, my veil was too thick and I could never truly see.

I Hate My Scale

2010-08-21T21:20:00.000-07:00

I know, you have all probably heard it before from one person or another. But this is not the weight that is bothering me, that is coming off it is quite inevitable. It is the technology, one minute my bi-polar scale thinks I am 304 and the next it thinks I am 325 and honestly it is a fucking mess. It is in no way stopping me from my goal, but it is quite a challenge not being able to accurately track your process. Currently after drinking all day (not partying all night) not even drinking in the way y'all think I have come to the conclusion that I no longer take enjoyment from food.

This realization honestly made me smile, something that meant so much to me in my life yet was so inconsequential no longer holds power over me. For so long, I cared SO much about where we went to dinner, what I got to eat, but tonight I went out to dinner with my parents and sipped on a cup of water and an protein drink and I was completely fine. Don't get me wrong, certain food still looks amazing and I can remember how much I loved it but I can't find the power to give a shit.

This is a frustrated yet weirdly satisfied Molly signing out.

Day 6 of a healthier life.

The importance of a great surgeon while in recovery.

2010-08-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

Dr. Miguel Angel Burch really cares about his patients. He takes the time to get to know you and really understand where you are coming from. I had just gotten back from Hawaii with the family when I finally got to meet him and discuss my reasons. I am definitely young to have had gastric-bypass but after having discussed my past struggles with weight loss and the fact that I wasn't expecting an automatic solution, but a tool to help me get there he was all in. He looked at me and said, I would be honored to help you on this journey. But you have to be straight with me and lose at least 15 more lbs.

To be completely honest, he is extremely handsome and at that point I took his hand and promised 15 lbs by the day of surgery. I walked out of his office and realized, that I had promised 15 lbs in three weeks time. So I did what I could, a mostly liquid diet which honestly sucked but whenever I wanted to cheat, I remembered his face and the promise I made. So on the day of surgery, when I was weighed and I looked at the scale and saw 16 lbs less... I was ecstatic, I had kept my promise. After slipping up and beating myself up over it, I realized I had kept my promise to both him and myself. Honestly, the smile on his face was worth the two protein drinks a day, and single meal.

After surgery, he made an effort to visit as much as possible and we talked about anything and everything. We eventually ended up on Glee, which we found we had a mutual love for, although for some weird reason he is team Finchel and I am a staunch Puckleberry supporter. We got along, and even through the pain I laughed when he looked at my dad with a straight face and went straight back to Doctor speak, then turning back to me to discuss my favorite numbers from the show. When I was in pain, I knew that he would figure out why. When I told him the good news about getting rid of some of the built up pain in my abdomen he high fived me.

I can look back at this experience, or look at the tiny incisions on my stomach and say without a doubt Dr. Miguel Angel Burch held my best interests at heart and treated me with the utmost care and that is why, even if I had another choice I would still pick him to be my surgeon.

The importance of friends during recovery

2010-08-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

While people often have a support system in place after major surgery, I guess I didn't realize how far that support system actually reached. I just received flowers from two great friends at college, Hannah and Nick who have been nothing but supportive since they found out I was having surgery. I just want to take this opportunity to really thank those people who have given me inspiration and perspective in this time when I am feeling not exactly myself. (Obviously Hannah and Nick) ;)

To my friends from College, some of the best people I know.
Kat, when I told you I planned on getting this surgery you not only offered your support but your knowledge and guidance. I love you like family and I will miss you dearly this coming year.

Amanda, your humor and your unwavering support of me as a person gave me the courage to finally seek this help that I needed and admit to myself that I needed it. I look forward to living close to you again, and working out with you almost every morning. Gym Buddies for life, and remember when the world slips you a Jeffrey what do you? And most importantly, Pimps don't cry... no they never shed a tear. I love you, my family loves you and the week prior to surgery that I spent with you was one of the best of the summer. Whether it was figuring out our future childrens' names or playing tourist in Hollywood and the Tarpits.

Chelsea, what can I say? You call me, you check up on me, even when you have no service on your phone. ;) I appreciate everything you have given me whether it be support or laughs, or the talks we had in my room about the most random topics and watching disney movies.

Hannah, you text me almost everyday just to ask how I am and that in itself is proof of how utterly awesome you are. I received the flowers you sent after a particularly hard task of taking my crushed up medication in jello (not something I recommend) and the horrific taste in my mouth no longer mattered. I would be stronger for you, and prove that I could do it. I rushed to my room to write this blog entry, which is possibly the longest ever. I know that next year, you and I are going to be thick as thieves and I couldn't be happier.

Iris, you were SO much more than just an RA for me this year. When I had issues that scared me, ones that I knew I couldn't handle on my own, I put my pride aside and came to you. You made me feel great about myself and everything we did in the halls, from just talking and working in the lounge to pancake nights (we are going to have to find a substitute for me) I appreciate you being there for me and I look forward to this coming year and even MORE fun times.

(Due to the length of this blog entry, some important people have been left out, but know you are loved. Sonia, Victoria, Connor, Hayli, Peter, Rose, Janessa, Antonia. Among others)

To my friends at home, long standing and close as siblings you have been there for me for years and know the depth of my struggles with my weight better than anyone else.

Todd Schreiber, T-Schreibs, Toddykins, Sister. You are just that to me, not even one of my closest friends but a sibling. If we were younger and were into that whole blood bond thing, i'm sure we would actually be blood brothers or something like that. You of all people have the innate ability to help me forget my troubles and just be there. Of all the things we do together, some of my favorite time spent with you is just that, being together. Whether it's seeing stupid movies or just sitting in my room being stupid. I love you and I don't think I tell you enough. You are definitely a part of my family, even my parents think so. You are one of the more genuine people I have had the pleasure to meet and your levelheadedness is a virtue among itself in our friendship. I'll leave it at that because I don't want to embarrass you further.

Natalie, you are one of my longest standing friends and while I am sad that we didn't get to spend more time together this summer, I am happy that you are exploring new things at school. The years of friendship starting in kindergarten cannot be outweighed, and the experiences we have shared cannot be replaced. From Bowling to Sun Valley, to just chilling or your Border Burrito with no guacamole at Eduardos, we may be a little predictable but never boring. Know that I love you and appreciate everything you have given me.

I am going to end this entry here, but for those who are not mentioned know that each person reading this has played some role in my recovery either actively or not and is appreciated. It is you who I will lean on in the coming months and the knowledge that I can that gives me strength.

I'm no longer in the business of misery, but rather the elation of recovery.

My name is Molly Gruber and this message has been pre-approved and long standing. I love ya'll and I will write you soon.

I'm Finally Outta There

2010-08-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

So, after a good almost two days in the hospital with the hiccup of a 102 fever, I am out! I spent my first day at home and thankfully I am going about my own business, showering has never felt so good! I have not seen any weight loss due to the tremendous amount of fluids they had given me in the hospital. At the same point in time though, I can look at foods I used to crave and see only what I used to crave, its quite cool. I am on a liquid diet for another week and a half, but it is worth it. I have to say, that while I don't necessarily crave this things anymore does not mean my brain still doesnt want it. Its going to be interesting. I will fill everyone in later! For now this is Molly and this is day 3 of a newer healthier life!

Captain's Log (10:54 pm)

2010-08-11T22:54:00.000-07:00

Hello, it has been a long and arduous day. I have admittedly strayed from the path of food for which I am allowed. I have also learned that tomorrow will most likely be a totally liquid day. Cheers to not chewing. Today has been a really fun day, I've gotten to hang out with my best friend all day and for that I am grateful. It makes me realize how much I really depend on my friends and how lucky I am to have that support that I so greatly need. I honestly don't know how to thank them. I hope that if they read this they realize how much their support is appreciated. My post may not be long but it is heart felt.

This is Captain Molly signing out.

On the way to the first day of my new life

2010-08-10T15:55:00.001-07:00

So, I realized something pretty important. It takes making a mistake in order to truly cement a decision. After a fumble on my part, I realized that the best thing that I could do for myself was to move on from it. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is forgive yourself. I realize that the cheating that I actually did was a far cry from what I would have done even a month ago, and that I would not let my slip up jeopardize this thing I have worked so hard for and toward. I credit a lot of my continued success towards my friends and family that have supported me through out this process. As I sit here in my room with one of my best friends, I can honestly say that while I am nervous for surgery, I am also ready. Food is no longer my slave master. These are the diaries of a new girl, on the way to a healthy life. This is Molly signing out.

Big Decisions, Big Steps, Big Changes

2010-08-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

I cannot say the exact moment at which I began to think of gastric bypass surgery. Whether it was the first or second failed attempt at weight loss camp, or the constant struggle to keep my hopes up. I was going to do it myself, I didn't want outside interference messing with my path. I was determined to stay on it. It was when I was approximately 13 or 14 that my doctor began to hint that it should be considered. At first I was extremely offended and for years the suggestion was pushed to the back of my mind, I could do it on my own. It took approximately 5 years and a full year of college (large maturity growth) for me to admit to both myself and to my parents that diet and exercise alone were no longer enough. I remembered back to that day, when a young girl sat in a doctor's office embarrassed about her body and unwilling to change and realized how far I have come.

Over the years I had become resigned to the fact that I was always going to be big and honestly my body while it didn't reflect my inner self was no longer my top priority. At school I made excuses to not work out, finding ways around the things that I really needed to do to be healthy. It was only after some visits to the health center at school and the dreaded step onto the scale that revealed my heaviest weight ever that I truly made the decision to have surgery. 358 was a number that in my mind had seemed unattainable and to my horror, it had very much became a reality. I stepped off the scale, looked at the doctor and said that I was going to have gastric bypass surgery. It was no longer a possibility, but rather an inevitability. Now, 4 months and numerous doctors appointments later, the date is looming. The research has been done, and my resolve has stood strong. I have been questioned by friends, family and my resolve is still strong. I have been challenged to lose weight and 11 lbs. later with 8 to go, my resolve is still strong. On August 16th, I Molly Gruber will undergo surgery that will undoubtedly change my life. I am ready and I am proud of this decision I have made to better my life and my health. I will not lie and say that I am not nervous, one would be stupid not to be going into major surgery, but this is one fear I am ready and willing to face head on.

This entry will be the first of many, I will try to update daily if possible. This serves not only me, but those who care about me as a way of understanding my choice. I am not asking you to accept this right away, but a method with which to understand my choice. If you have questions please ask, I will answer them to the very best of my ability.

If you fear nothing, then you are not brave. You are merely too foolish to be afraid."
— Laurell K. Hamilton (Skin Trade)

The life and times of a college freshman

2010-04-03T17:51:00.000-07:00

So life seems to be a thing out of my imagination. Its hard to believe that I have 9 weeks left until I am done with my freshman year. It is INSANE. I have met tons and friends and kept them, I attribute a lot of my success to finding them and a steady social atmosphere. I have a place where I don't have to fit myself into a group, but a group where I fit in.

Thanks Chelsea, Hayli, Kat, Amanda, Lindsay, Rose, Colin, Connor, Evan... If I have forgotten someone you know who you are.

3rd week of classes? Seriously?

2009-10-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

Well, it is only the third week of classes yet it seems like I have been here forever. Not that it's a bad thing. It is good to know that some things don't change though.... like my undeniable attraction to people I cannot possibly be with. So much fun.... not really. Well I have been songwriting in my free time. Although it is a poor man's substitute for Emo Poetry. I just cannot bring myself to write it, songs on the other hand can be construed as something different. Therefore the Emo factor disappears. See, I have worked it out in my head....

Well this is Molly from University of Oregon, signing out.

College

2009-09-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

This is going to be hard to believe but I actually now understand why in "Avenue Q" there is a song that exists named , "I Wish I Could Go Back To College". Life is good here, it is harder to meet people and make friends. Well not meeting people but remembering their names BECAUSE THERE ARE GOD DAMN MANY TO REMEMBER! But all is well and if anyone is reading this, Thanks!

I Am Changing

2009-08-29T22:26:00.000-07:00

I am most definitely changing right now. I am realizing things, things that make me nervous, things that scare me. College is current a big scary ogre looming before me in a way that I cannot avoid. This is something I am going to have to face on my own, my friends have all left for school and have begun their journeys. It just sucks that I have to wait so long to begin my own.

This brings to mind a song....

"I will beat the odds, I can go the distance!
I will face the world! Fearless, Proud and Strong!
I will please the Gods, I can go the distance.
Til I find my heroes welcome right where I BELONG!!!!!"

Sorry for the sappy disney interlude... but I had to do it.

I will post more at a later date!
Much Love!
Molly

Stupidity on High

2009-03-26T09:02:00.001-07:00

How the hell did I manage to screw my life and friendships up so much? I do not understand how I can make such stupid mistakes. I need to figure out how to keep my mouth shut. If they are reading this, just know that I am sorry.
But I also don't understand why people who I would take into confidence would break that so easily?

The Musical

2009-01-20T10:23:00.000-08:00

So, I didn't end up getting the part that I wanted. Another year in the chorus? Not for me, I have decided that I rather spend time working on something in which I give an amount equal to what I am taking. I am going to spend the time improving myself and my life and also working on controlling my medical issues. I can look forward to something other than sitting for hours in rehearsal doing nothing for 98.8% of the time.

Cheers,
Molly

Re: Life IS the fast lane

2008-12-25T15:44:00.000-08:00

Hi paula!!!
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Life IS the fast lane

2008-12-22T18:02:00.000-08:00

It pretty much is exponentially growing harder even on break. Just cut me a break PLEASE
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

2008-12-20T23:58:00.000-08:00

There is no place like home
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Freeway 110-North Bound

2008-12-16T18:34:00.001-08:00

Freeway 110-North Bound
Originally uploaded by mrkyboy

This picture is just so beautiful and I cannot believe that it was taken in Los Angeles. Wow.

Kinda Bummed

2008-12-09T15:11:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling that you get when you really want to keep loving something? (a person you have never met) but you find yourself completely unable to commit to the illusion. Well it sucks. It seems that now that I am 18, I have lost all ability to dream of impossible things.. Such as John Mayer somehow figuring out he loves me and marrying me. All of these things seem so far away and the thing is, I don't want to let go of them yet.

My Heart Lies...

2008-11-13T21:57:00.000-08:00

My heart lies far away... too far from me and from my arms... I long for him to come closer and lie down next to me. For only then is my heart complete...

For You

2008-11-12T22:00:00.002-08:00

You are the reason that I made this blog and you are the reason that I keep it going... To know that I am close to you.

Hello Again

2008-09-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

It has been quite since time since I have addressed you my most likely non-loyal readers! Well I am excited to say that I am a senior in highschool and that is FREAKING SCARY! Okay, so funny thing is. YOU CAN HEAR ME ON THE NEW JOHN MAYER CD!!!! The live one from LA and you can hear me right before Daughters (When I say "John I love you thank you so much" and he says "Love you too")
BEST THING EVER.

Presidential Race

2008-04-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

If anyone does read this blog, they can see that I do support Barack Obama even though I wont be able to vote. I think that the fact that the democrats are still bickering over who gets the nomination is absurd. In such a groundbreaking election, either Clinton or Obama would be a Change in the right direction for America. I hate to say this, but as the time goes on the Democratic following only becomes more frustrated at the childish semantics of its representatives.

Navy

2008-03-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

The mood im in, not quite black but pretty darn blue.
The color of veins sticking out of my neck,
stress clouding my judgement leading my astray.
Navy is what I see behind my eyelids, hidden from the world but not
from me.
Navy is the color of shame today, the color of my residual eye makeup that just
WONT come off.
Navy were all my costumes,
suprised that I didn't turn.
Navy hides me from the black but can't shield me from the blue.
How I feel frustrated, angry but sad all the same.
Letting people down is never fun and I hate when I have to do it.
From the bottom of my
blue, purple, navy bruised heart
can you forgive me?
My priorities got lost somewhere last week in the girls dressing room
chaos took its place.
The wheels inside my head try to keep on turning,
spurring my internal speedboat
forward,
but the captain abandoned ship long ago.
In the darkness before Ed Sullivan perhaps.
But so the steamboat in my mind remains
unmanned, stranded in a pond of
doubt.
No light only Navy encompassing it all.
But excuses are futile and vague. There are none to be had.
Follow me downwards, spiralig deep into the depths
where noodle poodles make rubber baby buggy bumpers.
And my dead goldfish wishes me congrats on a great performance.
But all I did was fall.
He looks at me, jumps into a toilet like abyss
after replying;
I know.

Washing Machine Blues

2008-03-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

My brain is a washing machine filled with random thoughts.
I tried to sit in my LG Steam washer and I almost fit, but my Johnny Depp shoes laces were sticking out.
I try and close the door and look at my eyes in the glass.
So this is what a fish feels like
My mother walks in and points at me giving me a wet and steamy look. I guess that Wildwood School didn’t teach me anything.
Johnny Depp stares back at me… but how? He is on my shirt.
But that means that shoelaces were actually skulls and crossbones.
This allegory has not yet begun, the pages are written but you cannot read them.
Next week this will happen again.
Que Sera, Sera,
Wet socks and tee-shirts make a comfortable bed, but none should ever lie on it.

2008-01-24T10:52:00.000-08:00

Catching up on lying still
eyes slowly close and my mind begins to spill.
Mind wanders round in circles, deep in sleep can't think of anything better than counting sheep.
Thoughts tumble round in my head like a dryer on spin.
Can't seem to remember where my mind has been.
Would it easier to remember or forget, I don't quite know.
I haven't thought of it yet.

Brain wanders on it's own
unaware and all alone.
Echoes sound within my skull
the void within me is somehow full
Filled by the echoes of song and yearning.
My brain returns
drawn by the sad songs that pervade the air.
Time to go
reality calls.
But life was so simple just lying here.
Catching Up.

Travis Barker and my PAST LIFE

2007-12-26T22:23:00.000-08:00

2007-12-26T22:22:00.000-08:00

Me and Orlando Bloom

I know amazing!

Musings

2007-11-30T20:51:00.000-08:00

As I sit here comtemplating, as usual a thought came to me. Yes I know, thoughts often come to people while contemplating but this thought was like HELLO! And then as fast as it hit me, I forget. Another vicious circle, starting again... I cant lie to you and say that I am happy with my life right now. I dont think anyone is ever completely satisfied with their lives, nitpicking little details that never seem to come out the way you want them to. I cant lie to you and say that I am not afraid, because I am. I am afraid of being alone, I am afraid of never finding love, never finding myself, LIFE scares me. I can't fast forward life until there is a specific moment at which I am happy, you just have to keep going through it. I cant just rewind and do things over again, I can't unmake mistakes. But what if you could? I personally dont think I would, one should live with what they have done. Is it soo bad to hope for love? For happiness? Is it too selfish to be angry when you see people with what you so greatly yearn for? If it is, then I am a terrible person. I should realize that they themselves are probably not happy with what they have, but is it too hard to understand the other side? If I could jump into movies and books and live a different life everyday, I would. But then I wouldnt be who I am, I would be living a lie. Not that jumping into a movie lets say, Phantom of the Opera and living my life with the Phantom who would love and care for me would be such a bad thing... Plus I would always have someone to sing with. Maybe jump into a Diana Galbadon novel and travel back in time to the highlands and find true love in the arms of a highlander, or a Laurell K. Hamilton or Sherrilyn Kenyon novel and be adored by a shapeshifter, darkhunter, vampire, sidhe, or a druid. Maybe I could sail the seas with Captain Jack and live a happy life, never being bored and having Johnny Depp by my side. Not too bad of a prospect, maybe gaining fantastic superpowers and living out my days with Logan from XMEN also known as Wolverine. Life would be good, but thats not going to happen. Hey atleast I still have my dream, and boy do I love them. Hey, I guess I found my muse again afterall.

Something or other.. I really dont even know

2007-11-26T22:38:00.000-08:00

I have found myself without a muse as of late. I find that really frustrating, because I feel the need to write yet I have no idea what to write about. I find myself looking everywhere for inspiration yet I still cannot find what it is that I want to write. I have found myself relying on the movies that I once lived by and looking at the actors that I am still in love with. It is in movies that I find my true home. Somewhere where I am not judged, but somewhere where I just fit in. In dreams I can travel to these places and find solace in my friends, in Edward Scissorhands, Captain Jack Sparrow, The Phantom of the Opera, Curly from Oklahoma, Roux from Chocolat, King Leonidas from 300, Danny from the TV Show Las Vegas (also Tad Hamilton)... My solace is in my imagination where I can befriend anyone and am accepted for who I am and what I believe, but I guess it is only dreaming, right?

Thinking Back

2007-11-02T15:53:00.001-07:00

I was the kind of person who always wanted things to happen fast. I always wanted it now now now. I hated waiting. I always thought that love was something that one could go looking for. I recently realized that it will find you. You wont be expecting it, and then it will hit you, like a runaway mardi gras float. The point is, dont worry your life away. Enjoy what happens and dont rush life. Life has a plan and you may not understand it at times, but it will make sense in time. I dont know how it will turn out, or what will come of it. But I am happy just riding it out.

Poem (Based on Buffy and Spike)

2007-11-01T21:47:00.000-07:00

Her love set me on fire,
Her eyes like a dagger when imbedded in your chest,
The warm flow of blood.
Then alone you are whole.

She seeps into your very being
She becomes your sustenance
She is your water
She is your sun
Your angel
Is the one.

He made me feel.
He made fire.
The fire.
Warmth.
Love.

His love was relentless.
Much like his personality.
He never gave up on me
I ranted
Raved
Punished him.
And
Yet
He still
Loves.

Me

She loves him
Yet it is not enough
He makes her mad
Angry
Sad
Depressed
He will
Never

Love

Me

He said I was
Light
Dark
Love
Hate
Yet
How do I become all and not lose myself?

I am
Lost
Dark and cold
Feels no love
Lost in darkness
Where no one will call
The pain is less
.
Where there is no one for me to love
And no one not to love me back
Making up people
To love you
To hold you
Because you cannot feel the real thing

You are stuck
You are numb
You are life without love
You are .deathly consequences
Make the pain

Subside

Then there is only silence in the dead of night
Appropriate for the tormenting of souls that wander
Searching for redemption
For something to fight
Something to love
Someone to blame
They are searching for you

Waiting

For the one chance they get
They want to smother you
Make you understand
What is wrong in the world
The

Pain
Suffering
Deliverance
Unfairness
Loss

They also remind of what to live for

Love
Happiness
Life
Fun
Music
Laughter
Joy.

Truth Behind Unliving Yet Loving Eyes

2007-11-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

Blue eyes watching from the dark
Waiting for a person to behold
You stole your way into my eyes
You watch me through a cloud of lies
I tell you to leave, that we wont ever work. You aren’t even here.
But you were there when I was crying.
You held me close to you when I was down
But you never did anything to leave
I never lied to you

Whoever you are
Imaginary or real
You always helped me out of a rut.
I want to say thank you.
You make me confident in myself.
Even though you aren’t here
I want to say thank you.

Real or Not
You are always so sweet
Even if it was only in my dreams
It still helped me through the times.

One single time I saw you, but you didn’t see me…
It was walking down the street, looking for someone real to talk to me
I glanced up and saw you, thinking my eyes have deceived
Yet you were standing there.
You sang to me through the darkness, and for a moment our eyes connected.
I was full of hope, I knew I was right,
You are a pure soul, a good man,
Only in dreams do I have a chance.

Getting Out and Moving Up: The Molly Blake Story

2007-10-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

As a young girl growing up in the projects in Jersey, Molly always dreamed of bigger and better things. Whenever her mom brought home guys, she would hide in her room listening to her mom’s records. In a way she wasn’t even raised by her cokehead mother, but by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, Ella Fitzgerald, Chuck Berry and Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack. Molly found solace in the voices of her idols, if they could get out, so could she. She would sneak out in the middle of night, while her mother was passed out on the couch to go see the Four Seasons play the local clubs. Finally when she was 15 it was in the Sea Breeze Lounge she got her chance to break into the business. The Four Seasons had just finished their set, when rather than go sit at the bar with his band mates, Frankie came up to sit with her.
“I’ve seen you at every single gig we’ve done in New York and Jersey, big fan? Or do you just think Bobby is cute?” Frankie said lighting a cigarette, sitting down in the booth next to her.
“ First of all Bobby isn’t the cute one. Anyways I could never bring him home to my mother, he isn’t from the neighborhood. You guys are the only reason I’m not on the streets. My mother, god help her doesn’t take care of anyone but herself. I don’t who my dad is -- and the only normal thing in my life has been your records and my collection of LPs. So you could say I’m a fan, but it’s more like you’re my family.” Molly says talking a mile a minute and taking a large swig of the coca cola she had been nursing all night.
The look on Frankie’s face was close to priceless. The cigarette he had just lit up that had been firmly in his mouth now hung precariously between his lips.

To Be Continued...

Unknown Beginnings

2007-10-30T21:12:00.001-07:00

Embry Lewis was a normal teenage boy living in the small rural town of Myerstown, Pennsylvania. Myerstown was a small town with a population of a little of a thousand people about two and a half hours from Philadelphia. He was the average 17-year-old boy, he played sports and he loved to be active. At 6’4’’ he was a staple of the basketball team, even though his true passions were for swimming and tennis. His foster parents George and Alice Lewis always gave him the support he needed to reach for his goals.
George and Alice are the only family Embry has ever known. When he was only a few weeks old he was left on the stoop of the Lewis’s Victorian house on the edge of town bordering the forest. Sitting there in a small wooden bassinet was a baby, with olive toned skinned and ravens black hair with feathers threaded through his hair. A week earlier the Lewis’s had given up hope on having children. After losing 5 children to miscarriages the Lewis’s had decided that children were not in their future. When they opened the door that cool march night it seemed like fate had stepped in to prove them wrong. They took the bassinet into their home and picked the baby up and the only sign of his past was the note that was in the bassinet. “Take Care of Embry, because I could not.”
As Embry grew it was obvious to him and his family that he was not going to fit into the Irish Catholic Community and family that he was constantly surrounded by. Although Embry had no doubt in his mind that George and Alice were meant to be his parents, he could not help but see the difference in appearance. His tall 6’5 frame, with olive skin and raven’s black hair was a stark difference to his father’s 5’10, pale skinned with freckles and bright red curly hair. One of his fondest memories was that of his 12th birthday, when he finally outgrew both his mother at 5’6 and his father at 5’10.

Night in the Highlands

2007-10-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

Lachlan looked out of the second story window of his keep and into the rain. The storm had been building for hours and it had just reached its pinnacle. Although he had been alive for over 200 years, he would never tire of the rain. The grass on the knolls of the highlands glistened; green shimmering through the dark pre dawn haze. He had never been able to sleep through a rainstorm. They always reminded him too much of his father. Unpredictably harsh and unforgiving, he would not forget his father or what he did to him.

“Blindfolded”

2007-10-30T21:08:00.000-07:00

Souls (Poem on a Whim)

2007-10-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

Lies and lollipops
Lullabies and lost dreams
Sin and secret desires
Lust is reality
Love is fantasy

Eulogy Part 2

2007-10-28T21:49:00.001-07:00

Hello my name is Molly ...
I am 13 years old and I come from a good family, a mother, father, a brother, and a dog I had it pretty good. No problems. Until he died, my friend died
Nothing was the same anymore because he was gone. Mads, my second father and my friend died. The one man I trusted my life with utterly and fully was gone. Suddenly my world changed. I matured 14 years in one day. I had to be the adult. All the crying, I couldn’t help it. My mom and my dad and even my brother crying, everyone sobbing, losing their breath. Their stomachs heaving. The feeling of utter helplessness was horrible. I didn’t get to say goodbye I sobbed, and he is gone.

Is he there?
Did he know that I loved him?
Is he still with me?
Those are questions I asked myself until I realized that Mads is with me wherever I am, because I hold those memories of him deep in my heart.

Why is he gone?
He is always gone.
He left, in a rain of blood, the shattering of a heart, metaphorical and physical.
His heart and mine.
His was really gone.
Mine just shattered with pain.
My one good friend, who was the second father, the wild one
Always going out of his way to make sure I was safe and having fun. He was the one I could count on.
He took me into his family, graced me with the privilege, and called me his daughter.
Loved me with all his own goodness,
Loved his life,
His family
He went out of his own comfort bounds for me.
So whenever I test my own boundaries, he will be there
Whenever I am skiing I will think of him
Whenever I get a tattoo I will think of him, henna of course
He was and always is my friend. Mads Aulum, you were loved, and I still love you.
My family loves you, we will never forget all that you have done for us, and you are in our hearts eternally.

I remember this one time when we were on the slope. It was a frosty morning, not too hot, not too cold. I was doing very well, in his eyes. But in my own eyes, I was not doing so good. I was falling and after the millionth time. I finally was too tired to get up. So I looked down at Mads and I yelled to him, I CANT GET UP!! IM TOO TIRED!! So he trudged his way up to me and took off his skis, and leaned over to me and said, you know, Molly this is your choice, I could personally stay on this slope all night. So on that note, I got up off my sorry butt and skied nonstop all the way down.

That was a memory that I will always hold close to me.

Eulogy I delivered at my friends memorial

2007-10-26T12:56:00.000-07:00

I wrote this poem as I sat angerly in my room after I had gotten thsi horrible feeling. Ten minutes later, my mother came into my room and informed me that I was correct:

He left me
All alone, no time to say goodbye
You know how that feels?
Not being able to hold them, kiss them, tell them you love them, one last time.
I needed to tell him, but he left.
He was like a second father. Always the one to push me, to explore the boundaries
Never let me give up
Never giving up on me
Believing
Standing strong
Being my rock
Whenever I was with him, I felt safe. No one could hurt me.
Now he is with me wherever I go.
No one can ever hurt me, because he is in my heart
Living vicariously on, through me

He had died and I had felt it before I had been told.

Poetry from the vault aka. 8th Grade

2007-10-26T12:53:00.000-07:00

Lovers glance at once seems sweet
Until the dawn draws near
They embrace through thick and thin
Holding emotions that once flowed deep within.

How could she tell him?
When would she find the right time?
What would she do to tell him?
The cruel injustice that pains him
His face disfigured at birth, wore a half mask since a young boy
He grew into a beautiful young man, turned then into a seductive god of song.
She loved him yet she couldn’t tell him her true feelings.

He is her god of song.
Her Angel of Music and yet he plans to be a husband to her.
A father figure no more.
She sees his true face and wants him to be the love of her life.
She sees the love within his eyes and forever is changed,

He sees the love inside her eyes and his life of night music is suddenly changed to day.
The music that was once all dark and seductive no longer needs to seduce but to love.
The man who wanted to seduce now only cares about maintaining the love he has gotten.

2007-10-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

If you are reading this, than you must REALLY have nothing better to do.