Junior Year

It is getting to be time for the year to start again. I have had a total of two classes and am already having issues with my blackboard, this is problematic.

Lately

I know it has been a while but honestly my mind has been elsewhere. In the past few months I have fallen in love with the idea of love, and a person who represented it. I have let them go, my creativity that had been locked under a premise of security unleashed and I have been happy. I have realized that I am in no hurry to study abroad and feel like completing some Gen-Eds first. one term will be enough.

I have realized how thankful I am to have great friends who I can count on and who will go on spontaneous trips to Portland with me. In the past months I have changed, in all honesty I really like myself a lot more. I had been so obsessed with helping other people, that I finally imploded. I am enjoying finally getting to know myself and with that journeying outside my comfort zone as well as excelling in the things that I love.

I have been playing tennis as much as I can, I have been walking tons and I have been biking daily. The truth of the matter is, that I am happy. I am single and happy. Something that used to not be synonymous has fallen apart. I am finally living in the moment, taking care of myself and working on what it is I need and I want.

My name is Molly Gruber, I am 20 years old. I am a student, a singer, a writer, a foreign language speaker, a friend and I am finally being happy to be myself.

Going back to my friends. Honestly I could not survive without your support and help. You know who you are and know that I love you all deeply and am SO thankful for what you have given me.

I am finally getting comfortable in my skin and my friends have been their to help me keep walking on my path and not letting me get distracted.... too much.

This is a late night blog post, but really it has been floating in my mind for a while.

My new tattoo says, "Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar"
That is my greatest hope for the future, let your spirit guide you and believe in your dreams and your future.

Much Love and thanks for listening to me wax philosophical.

MG

Poetry Class has brought inspiration!

I have reached the 115 lbs lost mark and I couldn't be happier. I have had a few bad days, made a few mistakes but through them I learn.

Here is a poem I recently wrote. Enjoy.

ANXIETY:
Anvils dropping on your chest. Weight building.
Breathing gets difficult.
Wading through a bog, pea soup with no visibility
something lurking
ten paces behind.
Frozen,
Inside your mind. Incapable
of further response. Stuck.
Eyes twitch. Back, Forth, Back; no end in sight.
Internal Pong game continues in the darkness of my mind.

Alone in an enclosed space, closing in, waiting...
No resolution in sight. Alone.
Eyes flicker. Left, Right, Left. Sinking
Deeper. Abyss.
Cannot move arms, submerged in visceral doubt amongst fears clawing at you,
trying to escape.
Bottom of a well. alone.
Weighed down,

No resolution, closed eyes darkness, open eyes to reality.

In the well, doubts trickling down threatening to drown you.
Someone lets down a ladder and at the top...
Mr. Resolution holds out a hand.
Ignore it. Brush yourself off, you know you can't hide from it forever, it lurks,
hand in hand
with its co-conspirator - fear.

MILESTONE!

Yesterday marked the day that I finally reached my first big milestone. I reached my first major goal and am firmly under 300 lbs. I feel great and am on the way to go play some tennis... yeah, school!

Sentimental Poetry from Highschool (DEAL WITH IT)

I sit here thinking of all my shortcomings
And I find the list is too long to write.

I sit here trying to figure what I did wrong.
I find that I have never been able to figure out what was wrong.

I’m sitting here and I realize, the thing I did wrong.
It’s me. I didn’t come out right.

I’ve always been blind.
I could never see past my own needs and desires.

I look out now, when a veil is lifted and find no one is there.
You may think, oh that’s so sad. You may pity me.
I don’t want pity.
I want acceptance.

We all walk in this world as people.
Everyone wears a veil, and this no wedding.
Everyone chooses not to see.
They choose to be blind as they set out in the world.
Unfortunately, my veil was too thick and I could never truly see.

I Hate My Scale

I know, you have all probably heard it before from one person or another. But this is not the weight that is bothering me, that is coming off it is quite inevitable. It is the technology, one minute my bi-polar scale thinks I am 304 and the next it thinks I am 325 and honestly it is a fucking mess. It is in no way stopping me from my goal, but it is quite a challenge not being able to accurately track your process. Currently after drinking all day (not partying all night) not even drinking in the way y'all think I have come to the conclusion that I no longer take enjoyment from food.

This realization honestly made me smile, something that meant so much to me in my life yet was so inconsequential no longer holds power over me. For so long, I cared SO much about where we went to dinner, what I got to eat, but tonight I went out to dinner with my parents and sipped on a cup of water and an protein drink and I was completely fine. Don't get me wrong, certain food still looks amazing and I can remember how much I loved it but I can't find the power to give a shit.

This is a frustrated yet weirdly satisfied Molly signing out.

Day 6 of a healthier life.

The importance of a great surgeon while in recovery.

Dr. Miguel Angel Burch really cares about his patients. He takes the time to get to know you and really understand where you are coming from. I had just gotten back from Hawaii with the family when I finally got to meet him and discuss my reasons. I am definitely young to have had gastric-bypass but after having discussed my past struggles with weight loss and the fact that I wasn't expecting an automatic solution, but a tool to help me get there he was all in. He looked at me and said, I would be honored to help you on this journey. But you have to be straight with me and lose at least 15 more lbs.

To be completely honest, he is extremely handsome and at that point I took his hand and promised 15 lbs by the day of surgery. I walked out of his office and realized, that I had promised 15 lbs in three weeks time. So I did what I could, a mostly liquid diet which honestly sucked but whenever I wanted to cheat, I remembered his face and the promise I made. So on the day of surgery, when I was weighed and I looked at the scale and saw 16 lbs less... I was ecstatic, I had kept my promise. After slipping up and beating myself up over it, I realized I had kept my promise to both him and myself. Honestly, the smile on his face was worth the two protein drinks a day, and single meal.

After surgery, he made an effort to visit as much as possible and we talked about anything and everything. We eventually ended up on Glee, which we found we had a mutual love for, although for some weird reason he is team Finchel and I am a staunch Puckleberry supporter. We got along, and even through the pain I laughed when he looked at my dad with a straight face and went straight back to Doctor speak, then turning back to me to discuss my favorite numbers from the show. When I was in pain, I knew that he would figure out why. When I told him the good news about getting rid of some of the built up pain in my abdomen he high fived me.

I can look back at this experience, or look at the tiny incisions on my stomach and say without a doubt Dr. Miguel Angel Burch held my best interests at heart and treated me with the utmost care and that is why, even if I had another choice I would still pick him to be my surgeon.